loss

I'm not good at finding the right words to explain what I'm thinking. I never have been. I'm happy to steal other people's way of saying things when they say it perfectly, although I usually keep them to myself because what is meaningful to one person is not always so for another. And then I feel the need to defend my quotes, and that's a weird thing to do. But every once in a while, quotes and other people's writing make their way on here. This is one of those times. I think this is a beautiful way to explain grieving a loss, especially as a Christian. It's not either/or, it's both/and.

This was taken from team-ewan.com.

I hope I'm able to communicate in those moments that grieving Ewan (that grieving any loss, really) is not a black and white matter; it's not either/or, but both/and. I can trust that he's in heaven and rejoice in that, and I can acknowledge that we will be feeling the loss of him acutely for a long time -- probably our whole lives. I can rejoice in the truth that he is not suffering anymore, and weep bitterly over the reality that he isn't with us, that we did not get nearly enough time with him. I can be happy that he doesn't have to be sliced or poked or taped or stitched ever again, and desperately ache for him to be back here with us. One reality doesn't cancel out the other. We hold them in tension, with all the uncomfortable complexity and unfathomable mystery that such nuances create.

Thinking of AJ.
_ _ _ _

One quick story. Matt will often tell Andrew stories about uncle AJ. When he was younger I think he would get confused and think they were about uncle Ed, but he knows now that they are different uncles. :) Anyway, the other day after one of Matt's stories, Andrew told him it would be awesome if uncle AJ had a really long rope and could come down from heaven. So sweet.

This day is a tough one. It's especially hard these days as I think about how much fun he and our boys would have together. One of the last conversations I vividly remember is AJ telling me to be happy with how much money I'll be saving because he'd have all the cool toys and our kids would always go to his house to play. I love the thought of that.